Forcing myself to be a tough cookie

Tasks lining up to be completed, but here's me sat on my mattress, thinking about other things i need to accomplish by this week. Going into twelfth week of my third semester, things are getting crowded on my plate. I can never keep up to be honest, school has been so draining, my mind just get so tired at the end of the day. Tests after tests, assignments after assignments, taking 23 credits this semester is extremely exhausting to be honest. Sometimes I lost track of days, my circle getting smaller but that does not bother me nevertheless.


Last week and a week before has been very busy, I had such a crazy week. But before that, this early November I had the privileged to visit Uzbekistan ! Ok firstly, I know whats lingering on your mind, Uzbekistan is not the typical travel destination popular among most Malaysians like Western Europe or Korea or Japan, I also do have the same thought when my dad told us about the trip but believe me, its not disappointing at all ! I loved Uzbekistan! The people there were very friendly, the food there was so good and there was so much to learn and observe. I love travels where I get to learn from people and where I see new perspectives in life – Uzbekistan did just that for me. But behold, when i finally managed to get myself together, I will blog about it soon !

Back to square one, I went to uzbek during mid semester break, which is nice because thats when I finally get to meet my family after two months living away from each other. This trip was so so great and up until this day theres still this powerful surge in me wanting to walk in cold weather, touching autumn leaves and learn/explore new things everyday. Its fun. When the trip ended, as soon as we arrived kl, my parents straightaway sent me to shah alam because I have assignments piling up and tests coming, i was quite disappointed because I didnt get the chance to go home in Penang, but that the sacrifices I have to make, which i really hope will be paid off soon. I actually ended up my trip with a very bad fever and cough. 

In the midst of studying for the tests and completing my assignments, having severe headache is a no joke. I ended up getting two days medical leave from doctor because my body temperature is super high - 39 celcius. I have a terrible sore throat, terrible headache and I refused to eat anything because Im too weak to even get up. Its saddening to be honest, being alone at home while your roommates went to classes and took the tests really give you the room to overthink - read : letting the bad thoughts swarm in. Its frustrating.

Having to go through this, whatever it is....is hard. That is when you really evaluate your potential, really ponder upon your life, whether doing all of this is really worth your time which is now, I ended up making wrong decision and one of them is letting go the person who dearly love me and I dearly love :( due to my overthinking-ness. I do hate myself for that, it kills me but sometimes it makes me wonder why I even allow myself to be hurted, why I myself disrespect myself, me, after all this while.

It took me a while to recover but sometimes it feels like my days never ends, its a continuous and a never-ending falls into a bottomless pit. Everyday I end up crying in bed and self-loath. The cycle repeats, repeats, repeats and bloody repeats, I want it to end. Even two days ago, suddenly again my health deteriorates when I suddenly puked uncontrollably and it really drains me. I cried and cried, wanting it to end soon. I was so much in pain. I feel like, I will never get to see the rainbow after series of rainstorms i've been thru.

I feel like I still have a lot to share but now it seems like my burden has been lift up a bit after this spilling time in this small white box, so refreshing to be honest. Thanks for willing to spend time reading this, I hope Allah eases everything for us, Amin 

I am okay

Remember this girl's new year resolution ? - to blog more

its not that i dont hv time to blog something, but when it comes to writing on events that had been occuring in my life, i prefer it to be more personal, and it takes time for me to gather my thoughts before i finally type it out.

so, there are few highlights that i feel like sharing

1. my first time attending a birthday party

i know what youre thinking, yes, i never have a chance to attend anyone's birthday party before. its not that im not invited (excuse me i have reputation okay) but none of my friends or family members held a party for their birthday ! neither did i :( when it comes to my birthday, we only have like a small gathering, a cake and celebrate with virtual wishes from my friends. but surrounded by an incredibly great and wonderful people is already sufficient to make my day :) the best birthday i had was, surprisingly in asasi back in 2016. my housemate celebrate my birthday with a sponge cake they bought from anjung's bakery, balloons and some other stupid birthday party supplies. i was eternally grateful to be their housemate. the next day, my dad took a flight to visit me, coincidentally he had a meeting in KL on the same day, and i couldnt feel happier meeting him a day after my birthday ;)

back to the topic, its dhiya (amir's sister) birthday party i was attending. seeing her and her friends make me missing my primary school friends too whom i always wish all of us can stay keep in touch. we're like a bunch of bimbo walking around the school upholding the bimbo life rules. how sad, now - a bestfriend turns to a mere acquaintance

2. post-election thoughts
with tun mahathir commanding the country as the prime minister, again , makes me teary. for a 93 years old man, his persistency to change malaysia to a better one is something that the citizens should be proud of and look up to. what a role model. Congratulations Malaysia, we have taken a big leap into the future ! during the recent election last two weeks, it supposed to be a one whole week of holiday but i spent it here in shah alam. i remember holding my phone all the time reading twitter updates, watching astro awani live and so on. amazing :)

3. behold - the catastrophic week 11 and week 12

this gif explains it all

One thing that im utterly grateful for this sem, despite the hurdles i have to face every single day is that i found a self-discovery. i am a lone ranger most of the time. i walk to the bus stop alone, walk home alone. basically doing all the things on my own. i usually keep all the mess to myself since i hate confronting my issues. People usually view solitary as a bad thing, but to me its the opposite. Its a courage, because not everyone dares to be seen alone. I found myself more productive when im alone, and i feel good to have time for myself to rethink about my goals, dreams and reflect back on my actions. I find comfortability in being alone in the sense that its therapeutic and awakening. Thats when i discover myself more, and i do believe despite my family and my closed friends as my pillar of strength, me myself know myself better than anyone else and my inner strength and positive mind is what keeping me alive until now. alhamdulillah

4. Ramadhan kareem

I can never feel ramadan vibe here until i get home. i miss terawih at masjid, buying food at bazaar, preparing for berbuka with the family :'( i mean, who doesnt want to celebrate the month of togetherness, ramadan with beloved ones right?

Also, wishing everyone happy fasting, may this Ramadhan purify our heart, change us to be a better muslim indeed. inshaallah

I am okay :)

Boulevard of broken dreams

Life has been quite hard on me recently. There are several mental breakdowns and ups i had in less than 10 weeks in my semester 2 here in shah alam. there are days i regret choosing this path, there are days im grateful for such an amazing life i had. theres also in between - a grey, blurry, in denial days

                                                                         

telling myself that 'all is fine, take it easy, you can do this' as those has been my life principle ever since my teen days, sometimes is just a mantra that has been echoing in my mind but my body seems doesnt reflect to it. im tired, my face frown 24/7, i isolate myself from crowd, skip meals, born to be a lone ranger. sometimes it surprised me how strong i actually was, looking back at the days when i have to wake up early and spend 5-7 mins walking alone to bus stop, wait for the bus, walk to class, clueless, juggling between moot, studies and assignments piling up, not to mention financial problem until i have to skip meals even though im in extreme hunger, yada yada. plus those days when i only have 10 ringgit left to survive for a week, and days when it takes a lot of guts to ask for money from my parents, yet at the same time im still become a huge disappointment to everyone. lifeless, me

its exhausting to think of those, im usually kind of person who always positive, i live for happy thoughts, but its tiring to live in that dimension anymore because in real life, i'd been beaten to death with so many never-ending shits i had to go through, it simply doesnt work that way. we ignore the truth for a temporary happiness.

its easy to feel disappointed and sad about all poop life chucks at you but its better to remember your mom's pajeri terung, rm1 green tea aiskrim malaysia from dc's mart, choc's indulgence, safiya's daily rambles, amir's warm voice, and Burger King's Tendergrill that life hands to you

i went home for 5 days (including 6 hours classes had been skipped with no regrets) last week, had the best time of my life with all familiar faces who loves me eternally :)

bloom // troye sivan

                                                              

photos credit : weheartit

Things I wanted to tell you

I wish I am your dream girl. I wish I have all the criterias of her. I wish you feel content everytime im around. I wish you always feel warm and comfortable with me. I wish you don’t find me as a burden. I wish I treat you right this whole time. I wish you never see my flaws or even if you do, I wish you accept me as who I am. I wish youre okay with my mood swing. I wish you never feel disheartened whenever I utter any bad words without me knowing that may cause you feel that way. I wish you still believe im prettiest even tho there are tons of prettier girls out there. I wish you never feel ‘lonely’ in this relationship. I wish you can bear with my insecurity issues. I wish you know that everyday im trying so hard to improve myself in order to achieve my dreams. I wish you will stay with me throughout this lowest point of my life where everything is not in favour of me but I want you to know that I have high faith in Allah and I believe one day He will fulfil all my dreams. I wish you know how special you are to me. I wish you allow me to learn to love you better. And most importantly I wish this unique feelings of us will never fade, strong since day 1.

I really hope I have the guts to tell you all of this everytime we met, but I cant.

Namco

Helo

Recently, we won Namco. And now im having a hangover. I miss mostly everything

mandatory toilet selfie

marina

Mia

pretty mia

The night before the competition

pakcik and his babies

Una

my family here.

life update : im going to china in july for student exchange programme. gonna be great.

and heres syahidah in china recently. She told many great things there so i cant wait for it actually

and here's me and shiffa on a beautiful wednesday eating free bowl of cereals with milk

au revoir

Enchanted

I was in the War Room, as I was typing this, the song Enchanted by Taylor Swift is playing, that’s how I came up with the title. But theres something about this song that make me want to pen down on what happen on 10^th February. His parents invited me to their dinner. It was my first time meeting with his family, I had the whole zoo in my stomach, but there, I feel so welcomed and warm, it was a nice dinner.

And also I want to thank my girlfriends who were there helping me choosing an outfit, ironing, a pronto touch up on my face, and not to forget a lot of advices given (from the single ladies club ahahahah). How can I forget that beautiful mess moment.

10th February 2018

Updated life in a nutshell

I cant believe its already 26^th, but to be honest I do feel like this month is the longest month I’d ever lived in my entire life. When you wake up tomorrow, its still 27^th january, when in fact you already feel like its 64^th. Sigh..but deep down, im grateful that january doesnt end yet, digesting the fact that we are already in 2018 is something so incredulous to me. i feel like 2017 just went by like a piece of rag being carried away by strong wind and lost in the air. It feels like my grip to something that im holding on to is slowly loosing and I kept on regretting that. I still remember the night of the new year, when everyone else went celebrating it outside, I was in my room at the college, so-called studying, but I made myself a cup of hot chocolate drinks while watching fireworks virtually on everyone’s instastory. Boring but somehow I didn’t regret staying in my room, because at least all my friends and my roomates were there with me. When the clock strikes 12, ‘happy new year anis’ they said. I wish them the same thing too, and then we had some banters before we hit the sack respectively. What a sedentary lifestyle I had

I really miss writing to be honest, I miss spilling out my thoughts even though theyre not something significant that you can ponder all day long. But that just what I love to do, started writing without having a direction, it really feels like a great escape. However if this is an english essay, I probably scored only 4/10. 4 for effort for writing many paragraphs and exceeding minimum word counts and also for the ink I’d wasted. Sometimes I do thought about writing something meaningful, so that people can gain something when theyre done reading my posts. But that requires me to gather all my thoughts and be able to finally type it out, and also overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. However, 1. I don’t have readers 2. gathering my thoughts will take usually a year minimum, plus theyre rubbish. Not a cool idea. So im going to just rant about my life, the end

Early this year, I just finished with my final exam, I choose to skip that because that was such a terrible kickstart of 2018. I had several mental breakdowns in between the paper gaps, and all I wish was for the exam to end faster and go home. Believe it or not, the last time I was home was back in october, evidence is in my latest post which was written back in october when I was having my one week mid-sem break at home. Moving on, lately ive been forced to deal with the realities of the world and IM TERRIFIED. Next sem I will be living outside, cause no more college will be provided. Well, they do but its going to be so tough and the chances to get college for next sem is really 0.01 % especially when you less involved in college activities to claim for college coupons. Living outside of the campus really give me the feeling of uneasiness. I just had a lot of things in my mind. My life has been in a constant turmoil ever since. Meeting house agents, constant talk of $$$$$$, finding significance in my life both now and in the future, the anxiety I feel towards the inevitable unknown that is the dim of light is not as scary as it used to be. Believe me, writing about this alone is really making me feel discomfort. Did I mentioned about me only having one week break when it supposed to be a month of sem break ? yeah im currently reading a scholarly journal on fair and equittable treatment under international investment law, a very Greek article to me. But I have no choice, for the sake of namco which will be held by the end of march this year, a lot of things I had to sacrifice, and yet being fully committed to this.

Now lets hop into some less-stress inducing matter. Here im going to share some photos from happier days.

despite having stress over chapters i had to covered for final exam, at least im grateful that my study table at college which used to be so messy now looking wide and 'less-chaos'. i remember spent the whole morning de-cluttering my stuff and i just enjoyed the productive morning so much

Stranger Things // How to Get Away with Murder

this two series are one of things that went on during my disappearance from this blog

Both Stranger Things and How To Get Away with Murder, omg why didn't I start sooner. I watched Stranger Things bcs i dont want to miss the bandwagon since this series had become the talk of the town, and true, i finished both season 1 and 2 in just 3 days perhaps? i love the whole squad so much ! For HTGAWM,  I love this show but I'm still in the first season. They're at season 4 or 5 now. But anyway, I was hooked since the first episode. It's basically about these law students who are in a Criminal Law class, and they basically deal with real murder cases in court. But with a twist. Just watch the first episode and you'll get what I mean. It's really good and you don't really know what's actually going on unless you keep watching. You figure it out as the series progresses and I love it.

GOOD FOOD

Kedai Makan Fei dan Ali - please try the salted tempura rice ! highly recommended

 

Coboroy - i love the shell out concept, chilli chicken rice also good ! 

even take away the chilli chicken, cause it tastes so good ! request for more chilli flakes if you want extra spicy

Gula Cakery -  i cant remember the name on the menu of the spagetti carbonara, but i think it has 'mac and cheese' something in the name. it tastes really good ! the sauce is so creamy, everything on the plate is perfect ! the mango cake was also not a disappointment. This place is famous for their dessert, so for those who have guilty pleasure for desserts, put this place on your bucket list !

Shiffa's greatest escape, EHSAN !!! the concept is like a high-class 'mamak' cause they served mamak food, i love the naan cheese, palatable and spoon-and-fork licking good ! quite pricey for a mamak food but worth it

Restoran Ani Sup Utara - heck i wish i know this place earlier, i really love this type of dish, feels like home ! For RM 7.50 , you can get a plate of rice added with salted egg, sliced cucumber, sambal and also a bowl of soup. So goooooooood !!!!!

Home

Zaid is into archery now and he's a pro already, went to so many competitions and winning some too !

went out with my bestfriend, Zarifah yesterday ! Initially we planned to go to Pantai Merdeka to have the famous 'cendol ice cream' there, but we're running out of time yesterday so just had dinner at the newly-opened kfc in my hometown, it was really fun to spend time together after so long !

How safiyya is being bullied

Some random shots

post-forum, photo was taken at 7pm hahaha excuse the 'barai' face

Funfair night out !

Library night out with adriana searching for reference books - one of the stressful nights i had there

♥

till next post ♥