I am okay

Remember this girl's new year resolution ? - to blog more

its not that i dont hv time to blog something, but when it comes to writing on events that had been occuring in my life, i prefer it to be more personal, and it takes time for me to gather my thoughts before i finally type it out.

so, there are few highlights that i feel like sharing

1. my first time attending a birthday party

i know what youre thinking, yes, i never have a chance to attend anyone's birthday party before. its not that im not invited (excuse me i have reputation okay) but none of my friends or family members held a party for their birthday ! neither did i :( when it comes to my birthday, we only have like a small gathering, a cake and celebrate with virtual wishes from my friends. but surrounded by an incredibly great and wonderful people is already sufficient to make my day :) the best birthday i had was, surprisingly in asasi back in 2016. my housemate celebrate my birthday with a sponge cake they bought from anjung's bakery, balloons and some other stupid birthday party supplies. i was eternally grateful to be their housemate. the next day, my dad took a flight to visit me, coincidentally he had a meeting in KL on the same day, and i couldnt feel happier meeting him a day after my birthday ;)

back to the topic, its dhiya (amir's sister) birthday party i was attending. seeing her and her friends make me missing my primary school friends too whom i always wish all of us can stay keep in touch. we're like a bunch of bimbo walking around the school upholding the bimbo life rules. how sad, now - a bestfriend turns to a mere acquaintance

2. post-election thoughts
with tun mahathir commanding the country as the prime minister, again , makes me teary. for a 93 years old man, his persistency to change malaysia to a better one is something that the citizens should be proud of and look up to. what a role model. Congratulations Malaysia, we have taken a big leap into the future ! during the recent election last two weeks, it supposed to be a one whole week of holiday but i spent it here in shah alam. i remember holding my phone all the time reading twitter updates, watching astro awani live and so on. amazing :)

3. behold - the catastrophic week 11 and week 12

this gif explains it all

One thing that im utterly grateful for this sem, despite the hurdles i have to face every single day is that i found a self-discovery. i am a lone ranger most of the time. i walk to the bus stop alone, walk home alone. basically doing all the things on my own. i usually keep all the mess to myself since i hate confronting my issues. People usually view solitary as a bad thing, but to me its the opposite. Its a courage, because not everyone dares to be seen alone. I found myself more productive when im alone, and i feel good to have time for myself to rethink about my goals, dreams and reflect back on my actions. I find comfortability in being alone in the sense that its therapeutic and awakening. Thats when i discover myself more, and i do believe despite my family and my closed friends as my pillar of strength, me myself know myself better than anyone else and my inner strength and positive mind is what keeping me alive until now. alhamdulillah

4. Ramadhan kareem

I can never feel ramadan vibe here until i get home. i miss terawih at masjid, buying food at bazaar, preparing for berbuka with the family :'( i mean, who doesnt want to celebrate the month of togetherness, ramadan with beloved ones right?

Also, wishing everyone happy fasting, may this Ramadhan purify our heart, change us to be a better muslim indeed. inshaallah

I am okay :)

Boulevard of broken dreams

Life has been quite hard on me recently. There are several mental breakdowns and ups i had in less than 10 weeks in my semester 2 here in shah alam. there are days i regret choosing this path, there are days im grateful for such an amazing life i had. theres also in between - a grey, blurry, in denial days

                                                                         

telling myself that 'all is fine, take it easy, you can do this' as those has been my life principle ever since my teen days, sometimes is just a mantra that has been echoing in my mind but my body seems doesnt reflect to it. im tired, my face frown 24/7, i isolate myself from crowd, skip meals, born to be a lone ranger. sometimes it surprised me how strong i actually was, looking back at the days when i have to wake up early and spend 5-7 mins walking alone to bus stop, wait for the bus, walk to class, clueless, juggling between moot, studies and assignments piling up, not to mention financial problem until i have to skip meals even though im in extreme hunger, yada yada. plus those days when i only have 10 ringgit left to survive for a week, and days when it takes a lot of guts to ask for money from my parents, yet at the same time im still become a huge disappointment to everyone. lifeless, me

its exhausting to think of those, im usually kind of person who always positive, i live for happy thoughts, but its tiring to live in that dimension anymore because in real life, i'd been beaten to death with so many never-ending shits i had to go through, it simply doesnt work that way. we ignore the truth for a temporary happiness.

its easy to feel disappointed and sad about all poop life chucks at you but its better to remember your mom's pajeri terung, rm1 green tea aiskrim malaysia from dc's mart, choc's indulgence, safiya's daily rambles, amir's warm voice, and Burger King's Tendergrill that life hands to you

i went home for 5 days (including 6 hours classes had been skipped with no regrets) last week, had the best time of my life with all familiar faces who loves me eternally :)

bloom // troye sivan

                                                              

photos credit : weheartit