Follow by Email

29 September 2016

'Tasnim'

Alfatihah, Tok Mariah . This morning, i received a whatsapp from my dad that my grandma, Tok Mariah had passed away. I was speechless. and i cried so hard, really really hard at 1.20 am. Morning the day before, i was already being informed by my mom about my tok's condition, that she was in critical condition already. And by the time I called my mom, she was in a complete rush driving to the hospital. It was an emergency case. And she asked me to pray a lot, and recite yasin. sounds like we're preparing for that 'moment'. Then i whatsapped my dad, and he told me that my grandma was fine.

The whole day (yesterday) i spent in the library from zuhur until 6.30 pm studying. I left my phone in my room, to avoid distraction (for sure) and also, i didnt want to receive 'that news' regarding my grandma. I was praying so hard that she will get speedy recovery, and she can go home healthily, and i get to see her soon during sem breaks.

That evening i called my mom, she picked up the phone with coarse, shaky voice. I knew something was not right. My mom said she was a lil bit 'busy', i pretend to understand her situation and hung up. That evening, i was actually damn sleepy. Bcs i had spent hours studying and my body was in restless state. I waited until maghrib, perform maghrib prayers, recite alquran. Then i decided to sleep after isya'. i checked my phone. No call nor messages from my parent/family about my grandma's condition. I also decided to not call em and still, i pray a lot. 

Done with isya' prayers, off to sleep.

*notifications ringtone* // *quickly grab my phone*

'maktok dah tenat, tolong baca alfatihah dan yasin banyak2'  - mom

Ya allah. I instantly get up from my bed, took wudhu and recite a few surah. I prayed so hard that my grandma will be fine. Clock strikes 10 pm, i shouldve sleep at that time bcs i need to wake up at 2am to study another subject.


*bam*


My posters that i placed on the 'kepala katil' hit my face really hard. I instantly woke up. It's 1.20 am. The curtain swayed along with the strong wind. My bedroom was so cold, like 10 degrees colder than usual night temperature. The wind was so strong, the rain started pouring heavily. Everything on my 'kepala katil' (poster, clock and lotion) started to fall off and hit my face. Hesh.


'fine, im wide awake now'

I checked my phone. A whatsapp from my dad. 'Tok Mariah telah kembali ke rahmatullah jam 1.10 am'.


***


I love her so so much. She had been taking care of me since i was born. I spent most of my childhood time with her. I used to sleepover with my cousins at her house a lot, and we had carved so many beautiful memories together. Those days when she woke us up for Subuh prayers, even though at that time most of us were just aged 8-10 yrs. She prepared the most delicious breakfast for us, nasi goreng with the most succulent, mouth-watering scrambled eggs i ever had in my lifetime. Then we will follow her to grocery shop not far from her home, she will usually bought groceries to cook for that day, veges, potatoes, onions etc. And also, being a loving grandmother as she was, she will bought ice cream for us after we pretend to stare at varieties of icecream in the icecream tub. She bought the most famous icecream at that time, aiskrim kacang which i believe hard to get nowadays. 

Then my cousins and i will help carry the groceries bag for her, one hand carrying while the other hand holding the icecream. We walked home while enjoying the beautiful scenery of the sawah padi in the morning. My grandma didnt talked much, but when she's started talking, she give advice, she compliments, she shared stories. She NEVER scold us, her grandchildren.

That was the most beautiful piece of memories i  remember about her, during my childhood years. 

Growing up, i rarely visit her. Honestly said, im easily getting bored whenever we visited her. My house is the nearest to her, and we always pay a visit. So i wasnt really appreciating. I blamed myself for that. After 2 hours staying, i usually begging my mom to quickly go home. But honestly i wasnt that rude, during the visit ofcourse i had chats with her, helped her in the kitchen, like goreng cucur udang for hi tea sesh with my family. During ramadan, we always had berbuka time together,  performed maghrib prayers and spent time watching tv together while waiting for isya' and terawih. We will usually go home before isya', bcs my grandma always had terawih in masjid, and same goes to my dad. Before we go home, she always asked me,

'Tasnim bila nak tidoq rumah tok lagi?'

The only family member who call me Tasnim. 

Im sorry tok, i wasnt there. I didnt hv the chance to say thank you. I wish i had. Thank you for taking a good care of me, for raising me up, for everything i wish i can list every single thing here. You mean a lot to me, and i wasnt there during your last breath. I believe youre in a better place now.


Alfatihah, tok

24 September 2016

insecurities

Its 4.04 am in the morning and im still wide awake, jeezzzz i hate the fact that my eyes were half-opened and my brain isnt working anymore but everytime i close my eyes for like 30minutes forcing to sleep, and then i gave up and opened my eyes and stare at the ceiling. whyyy I STILL CANT SLEEP ???!!!!

then i try to study, i took my lecture notes and my own notes and put em on my bed, plug in earphone and tune in some soft instrumental musics to help calm my mind and put me to sleep, then all of sudden all those ghost stories, gory features loomed on my mind. fck i can feel the goosebumps all over my body. SUDDENLY I FEEL LIKE CHECKING UNDER THE BED, CHECKING THE LOCKER, CHECKING WHATS BEHIND ME, AND, CHECKING WHO'S OUTSIDE.  I instantly whatsapp nurin to tell her i cant sleep so that i feel less panic, then she stupidly asked me why and told me to check the windows. if only she was in front of me at that time i would have slaughtered her. oh yeah she was outside at that time thats why im afraid bcs i was alone in my bedroom. Then i tune in to a few surah from ny quran app to help halau all those satans thought

Ok now its 4.19 am.

So yeah looking back at the title of thia post, insecurities. Im actually at that point when i cant accept myself for who i am. bcs i hv insecurities on people's personality. I cant help myself adoring people with personality that can attract others, i mean, i dont want other people to like me, ofcourse u cant force people to like you. but i dont understand how u can simply put everyone's attention on you, they hear what are u talking, they respond to what u talking, they laugh at your jokes, they look at you with eyes full of inspiration, WHY I CANT BE LIKE THAT??

Sometimes, i try involving myself in my classmates' chat, but end up blaming myself *why i even said that* thoughts bcs they dont find me attractive. I think im just a weird furniture in my class. I've had enough. Haih

I tried, so hard. But i actually end up killing myself emotionally. And im drown in my own ocean of thoughts, and dead inside. 'its fine if someone doesnt like you'- i cant accept the fact that i care so much on people's thought on me. im trying but i stumbled and hurted myself. its so hard.

Sometimes i decided to just stay introvert and be a lone ranger, but it makes me feel more sad !! I hate the fact that i had to walk alone. i hate the fact that i cant talk to someone. i hate everything.

This week is such a disaster for me. Every night i always reflected myself, i look at the mirror, and asking why and why. those sleepless and sombre nights, i hate it that nobody actually cares about me. i knoe im really that complicated.

I also hate the fact that i hv problems with my facial expression. im always with that idgaf face when actually im such a cheerful person and my mind were damn full of awesome and humorous thoughts. im smart, witty, well-organized, wild and bitchy. i guaranteed you would like to be my bestfriend. Sadly no one notice that. And i always kept my inner bitch to myself bcs of my insecurities. its killing me. Its really hurt

Im really a cool kid, seriously. I just dont know why im like this. I think too much. I guess.

4.36 am

I've been out on that open road
You can be my full time daddy,
White and gold
Singing blues has been getting old
You can be my full time baby,
Hot or cold

Don't break me down
I've been travelin' too long
I've been trying too hard
With one pretty song

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

Dying young and I'm playing hard
That's the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk 'til dark
That's the way the road dogs do it – ride 'til dark.

Don't leave me now
Don't say good bye
Don't turn around
Leave me high and dry

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, I just ride


Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people, and finally I did on the open road.
We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives into a work of art.
Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun.
I believe in the country America used to be.
I believe in the person I want to become.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And my motto is the same as ever:
"I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I'm at war with myself I ride, I just ride."
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.