insecurities

Its 4.04 am in the morning and im still wide awake, jeezzzz i hate the fact that my eyes were half-opened and my brain isnt working anymore but everytime i close my eyes for like 30minutes forcing to sleep, and then i gave up and opened my eyes and stare at the ceiling. whyyy I STILL CANT SLEEP ???!!!!

then i try to study, i took my lecture notes and my own notes and put em on my bed, plug in earphone and tune in some soft instrumental musics to help calm my mind and put me to sleep, then all of sudden all those ghost stories, gory features loomed on my mind. fck i can feel the goosebumps all over my body. SUDDENLY I FEEL LIKE CHECKING UNDER THE BED, CHECKING THE LOCKER, CHECKING WHATS BEHIND ME, AND, CHECKING WHO'S OUTSIDE.  I instantly whatsapp nurin to tell her i cant sleep so that i feel less panic, then she stupidly asked me why and told me to check the windows. if only she was in front of me at that time i would have slaughtered her. oh yeah she was outside at that time thats why im afraid bcs i was alone in my bedroom. Then i tune in to a few surah from ny quran app to help halau all those satans thought

Ok now its 4.19 am.

So yeah looking back at the title of thia post, insecurities. Im actually at that point when i cant accept myself for who i am. bcs i hv insecurities on people's personality. I cant help myself adoring people with personality that can attract others, i mean, i dont want other people to like me, ofcourse u cant force people to like you. but i dont understand how u can simply put everyone's attention on you, they hear what are u talking, they respond to what u talking, they laugh at your jokes, they look at you with eyes full of inspiration, WHY I CANT BE LIKE THAT??

Sometimes, i try involving myself in my classmates' chat, but end up blaming myself *why i even said that* thoughts bcs they dont find me attractive. I think im just a weird furniture in my class. I've had enough. Haih

I tried, so hard. But i actually end up killing myself emotionally. And im drown in my own ocean of thoughts, and dead inside. 'its fine if someone doesnt like you'- i cant accept the fact that i care so much on people's thought on me. im trying but i stumbled and hurted myself. its so hard.

Sometimes i decided to just stay introvert and be a lone ranger, but it makes me feel more sad !! I hate the fact that i had to walk alone. i hate the fact that i cant talk to someone. i hate everything.

This week is such a disaster for me. Every night i always reflected myself, i look at the mirror, and asking why and why. those sleepless and sombre nights, i hate it that nobody actually cares about me. i knoe im really that complicated.

I also hate the fact that i hv problems with my facial expression. im always with that idgaf face when actually im such a cheerful person and my mind were damn full of awesome and humorous thoughts. im smart, witty, well-organized, wild and bitchy. i guaranteed you would like to be my bestfriend. Sadly no one notice that. And i always kept my inner bitch to myself bcs of my insecurities. its killing me. Its really hurt

Im really a cool kid, seriously. I just dont know why im like this. I think too much. I guess.

4.36 am

I've been out on that open road
You can be my full time daddy,
White and gold
Singing blues has been getting old
You can be my full time baby,
Hot or cold

Don't break me down
I've been travelin' too long
I've been trying too hard
With one pretty song

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

Dying young and I'm playing hard
That's the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk 'til dark
That's the way the road dogs do it – ride 'til dark.

Don't leave me now
Don't say good bye
Don't turn around
Leave me high and dry

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, I just ride


Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people, and finally I did on the open road.
We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives into a work of art.
Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun.
I believe in the country America used to be.
I believe in the person I want to become.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And my motto is the same as ever:
"I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I'm at war with myself I ride, I just ride."
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.