Hi ?

 Im just dropping by, by the way. Wow, the latest post was in February 2020. And now is October 2021. I miss this blog so much, I miss reading my old posts, especially when I was in high school, my travelling posts about Turkey and Seoul. A lot had happened, a. lot. I had graduated. I am now a pupil-in-chamber at a firm in Penang island. Actually, I have a task to be done but I got distracted. I don't really know what to write here. There are too much to tell. But I'm still writing in my diary tho. I write about my feelings, life updates. I hope I will continue writing journals until I turned 60. Im sorry for keeping quiet here. I miss all my friends who always interacting with me on this platform. I hope we can still continue doing that. Okay I think I gotta go. 

bye <3

my safe haven, hehe

This is why we cant have nice things, darling

I just finished my second last paper last Wednesday and I think I just screwed it up, but whatever I already did my best and I hope my lecturer spare me some mercy. Im already in my second year of law school and I think all of us law students are already familiar with writing 5-6 essays in limited time of 3 hours. I always leave my answer hanging for my lecturers to mark due to time-constraint, but I guess thats what I need to work on for the upcoming finals until my llb years. Wishing the best for myself haha

Anyone whos an avid swiftie fan knew where I got the title from. Umm but it has nothing to do with the content of this post. Well, ever since I finished with my previous paper, I spent the whole day binge watching netflix, Bird Box in the morning, Reputation Stadium Tour in the evening and Gossip Girls back to back eps before bedtime. So productive I tell ya haha ! I have 9 days gap before my last paper so I think its alright to spend at least one day to just chill because I swear, exam week really drains me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I really have no direction when I start typing this but I just missed writing tho. But now im not ready to share anything that I’d been experiencing for this past few weeks. I really need sit down, gather all my thoughts and be able to finally type it out. But I just don’t feel like doing it now, im in a giddy mood,swift-hangover after watching Rep stadium tour on netflix yesterday, the show was hella amazing. Its one of her best live performance I believe, my ultimate favourite will be the love story/you belong with me. I love taylor, she’s so humble, down-to-earth person, she really thanked everyone who has been participating in her Rep tour including the engineers and the securities. And she really love her fans. Aw I love you too taylor I really hope I get to see you someday !

My writing has become so rusty nowadays due to lack of reading (law notes is an exceptional) and writing also, so I wish to not continue and stop here. Just a quick drop by telling everyone (lol are there even human reading this) that im just doing good. I still havent planned my new year resolution for 2019 but I SWEAR I NEED TO DO IT. 2018 has been quite painful and difficult for me, I have down moments more than ups, I lost more friends than I should and I have no self-love. I would like to thank everyone who has been sticking with me during my down moments, I can never repay your kindness. 2019 will be a year of me focusing on myself, my loved ones and my dreams inshaallah. Wishing everyone a happy new year, love ya 

Forcing myself to be a tough cookie

Tasks lining up to be completed, but here's me sat on my mattress, thinking about other things i need to accomplish by this week. Going into twelfth week of my third semester, things are getting crowded on my plate. I can never keep up to be honest, school has been so draining, my mind just get so tired at the end of the day. Tests after tests, assignments after assignments, taking 23 credits this semester is extremely exhausting to be honest. Sometimes I lost track of days, my circle getting smaller but that does not bother me nevertheless.


Last week and a week before has been very busy, I had such a crazy week. But before that, this early November I had the privileged to visit Uzbekistan ! Ok firstly, I know whats lingering on your mind, Uzbekistan is not the typical travel destination popular among most Malaysians like Western Europe or Korea or Japan, I also do have the same thought when my dad told us about the trip but believe me, its not disappointing at all ! I loved Uzbekistan! The people there were very friendly, the food there was so good and there was so much to learn and observe. I love travels where I get to learn from people and where I see new perspectives in life – Uzbekistan did just that for me. But behold, when i finally managed to get myself together, I will blog about it soon !

Back to square one, I went to uzbek during mid semester break, which is nice because thats when I finally get to meet my family after two months living away from each other. This trip was so so great and up until this day theres still this powerful surge in me wanting to walk in cold weather, touching autumn leaves and learn/explore new things everyday. Its fun. When the trip ended, as soon as we arrived kl, my parents straightaway sent me to shah alam because I have assignments piling up and tests coming, i was quite disappointed because I didnt get the chance to go home in Penang, but that the sacrifices I have to make, which i really hope will be paid off soon. I actually ended up my trip with a very bad fever and cough. 

In the midst of studying for the tests and completing my assignments, having severe headache is a no joke. I ended up getting two days medical leave from doctor because my body temperature is super high - 39 celcius. I have a terrible sore throat, terrible headache and I refused to eat anything because Im too weak to even get up. Its saddening to be honest, being alone at home while your roommates went to classes and took the tests really give you the room to overthink - read : letting the bad thoughts swarm in. Its frustrating.

Having to go through this, whatever it is....is hard. That is when you really evaluate your potential, really ponder upon your life, whether doing all of this is really worth your time which is now, I ended up making wrong decision and one of them is letting go the person who dearly love me and I dearly love :( due to my overthinking-ness. I do hate myself for that, it kills me but sometimes it makes me wonder why I even allow myself to be hurted, why I myself disrespect myself, me, after all this while.

It took me a while to recover but sometimes it feels like my days never ends, its a continuous and a never-ending falls into a bottomless pit. Everyday I end up crying in bed and self-loath. The cycle repeats, repeats, repeats and bloody repeats, I want it to end. Even two days ago, suddenly again my health deteriorates when I suddenly puked uncontrollably and it really drains me. I cried and cried, wanting it to end soon. I was so much in pain. I feel like, I will never get to see the rainbow after series of rainstorms i've been thru.

I feel like I still have a lot to share but now it seems like my burden has been lift up a bit after this spilling time in this small white box, so refreshing to be honest. Thanks for willing to spend time reading this, I hope Allah eases everything for us, Amin 

Boulevard of broken dreams

Life has been quite hard on me recently. There are several mental breakdowns and ups i had in less than 10 weeks in my semester 2 here in shah alam. there are days i regret choosing this path, there are days im grateful for such an amazing life i had. theres also in between - a grey, blurry, in denial days

                                                                         

telling myself that 'all is fine, take it easy, you can do this' as those has been my life principle ever since my teen days, sometimes is just a mantra that has been echoing in my mind but my body seems doesnt reflect to it. im tired, my face frown 24/7, i isolate myself from crowd, skip meals, born to be a lone ranger. sometimes it surprised me how strong i actually was, looking back at the days when i have to wake up early and spend 5-7 mins walking alone to bus stop, wait for the bus, walk to class, clueless, juggling between moot, studies and assignments piling up, not to mention financial problem until i have to skip meals even though im in extreme hunger, yada yada. plus those days when i only have 10 ringgit left to survive for a week, and days when it takes a lot of guts to ask for money from my parents, yet at the same time im still become a huge disappointment to everyone. lifeless, me

its exhausting to think of those, im usually kind of person who always positive, i live for happy thoughts, but its tiring to live in that dimension anymore because in real life, i'd been beaten to death with so many never-ending shits i had to go through, it simply doesnt work that way. we ignore the truth for a temporary happiness.

its easy to feel disappointed and sad about all poop life chucks at you but its better to remember your mom's pajeri terung, rm1 green tea aiskrim malaysia from dc's mart, choc's indulgence, safiya's daily rambles, amir's warm voice, and Burger King's Tendergrill that life hands to you

i went home for 5 days (including 6 hours classes had been skipped with no regrets) last week, had the best time of my life with all familiar faces who loves me eternally :)

bloom // troye sivan

                                                              

photos credit : weheartit

Things I wanted to tell you

I wish I am your dream girl. I wish I have all the criterias of her. I wish you feel content everytime im around. I wish you always feel warm and comfortable with me. I wish you don’t find me as a burden. I wish I treat you right this whole time. I wish you never see my flaws or even if you do, I wish you accept me as who I am. I wish youre okay with my mood swing. I wish you never feel disheartened whenever I utter any bad words without me knowing that may cause you feel that way. I wish you still believe im prettiest even tho there are tons of prettier girls out there. I wish you never feel ‘lonely’ in this relationship. I wish you can bear with my insecurity issues. I wish you know that everyday im trying so hard to improve myself in order to achieve my dreams. I wish you will stay with me throughout this lowest point of my life where everything is not in favour of me but I want you to know that I have high faith in Allah and I believe one day He will fulfil all my dreams. I wish you know how special you are to me. I wish you allow me to learn to love you better. And most importantly I wish this unique feelings of us will never fade, strong since day 1.

I really hope I have the guts to tell you all of this everytime we met, but I cant.

Updated life in a nutshell

I cant believe its already 26^th, but to be honest I do feel like this month is the longest month I’d ever lived in my entire life. When you wake up tomorrow, its still 27^th january, when in fact you already feel like its 64^th. Sigh..but deep down, im grateful that january doesnt end yet, digesting the fact that we are already in 2018 is something so incredulous to me. i feel like 2017 just went by like a piece of rag being carried away by strong wind and lost in the air. It feels like my grip to something that im holding on to is slowly loosing and I kept on regretting that. I still remember the night of the new year, when everyone else went celebrating it outside, I was in my room at the college, so-called studying, but I made myself a cup of hot chocolate drinks while watching fireworks virtually on everyone’s instastory. Boring but somehow I didn’t regret staying in my room, because at least all my friends and my roomates were there with me. When the clock strikes 12, ‘happy new year anis’ they said. I wish them the same thing too, and then we had some banters before we hit the sack respectively. What a sedentary lifestyle I had

I really miss writing to be honest, I miss spilling out my thoughts even though theyre not something significant that you can ponder all day long. But that just what I love to do, started writing without having a direction, it really feels like a great escape. However if this is an english essay, I probably scored only 4/10. 4 for effort for writing many paragraphs and exceeding minimum word counts and also for the ink I’d wasted. Sometimes I do thought about writing something meaningful, so that people can gain something when theyre done reading my posts. But that requires me to gather all my thoughts and be able to finally type it out, and also overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. However, 1. I don’t have readers 2. gathering my thoughts will take usually a year minimum, plus theyre rubbish. Not a cool idea. So im going to just rant about my life, the end

Early this year, I just finished with my final exam, I choose to skip that because that was such a terrible kickstart of 2018. I had several mental breakdowns in between the paper gaps, and all I wish was for the exam to end faster and go home. Believe it or not, the last time I was home was back in october, evidence is in my latest post which was written back in october when I was having my one week mid-sem break at home. Moving on, lately ive been forced to deal with the realities of the world and IM TERRIFIED. Next sem I will be living outside, cause no more college will be provided. Well, they do but its going to be so tough and the chances to get college for next sem is really 0.01 % especially when you less involved in college activities to claim for college coupons. Living outside of the campus really give me the feeling of uneasiness. I just had a lot of things in my mind. My life has been in a constant turmoil ever since. Meeting house agents, constant talk of $$$$$$, finding significance in my life both now and in the future, the anxiety I feel towards the inevitable unknown that is the dim of light is not as scary as it used to be. Believe me, writing about this alone is really making me feel discomfort. Did I mentioned about me only having one week break when it supposed to be a month of sem break ? yeah im currently reading a scholarly journal on fair and equittable treatment under international investment law, a very Greek article to me. But I have no choice, for the sake of namco which will be held by the end of march this year, a lot of things I had to sacrifice, and yet being fully committed to this.

Now lets hop into some less-stress inducing matter. Here im going to share some photos from happier days.

despite having stress over chapters i had to covered for final exam, at least im grateful that my study table at college which used to be so messy now looking wide and 'less-chaos'. i remember spent the whole morning de-cluttering my stuff and i just enjoyed the productive morning so much

Stranger Things // How to Get Away with Murder

this two series are one of things that went on during my disappearance from this blog

Both Stranger Things and How To Get Away with Murder, omg why didn't I start sooner. I watched Stranger Things bcs i dont want to miss the bandwagon since this series had become the talk of the town, and true, i finished both season 1 and 2 in just 3 days perhaps? i love the whole squad so much ! For HTGAWM,  I love this show but I'm still in the first season. They're at season 4 or 5 now. But anyway, I was hooked since the first episode. It's basically about these law students who are in a Criminal Law class, and they basically deal with real murder cases in court. But with a twist. Just watch the first episode and you'll get what I mean. It's really good and you don't really know what's actually going on unless you keep watching. You figure it out as the series progresses and I love it.

GOOD FOOD

Kedai Makan Fei dan Ali - please try the salted tempura rice ! highly recommended

 

Coboroy - i love the shell out concept, chilli chicken rice also good ! 

even take away the chilli chicken, cause it tastes so good ! request for more chilli flakes if you want extra spicy

Gula Cakery -  i cant remember the name on the menu of the spagetti carbonara, but i think it has 'mac and cheese' something in the name. it tastes really good ! the sauce is so creamy, everything on the plate is perfect ! the mango cake was also not a disappointment. This place is famous for their dessert, so for those who have guilty pleasure for desserts, put this place on your bucket list !

Shiffa's greatest escape, EHSAN !!! the concept is like a high-class 'mamak' cause they served mamak food, i love the naan cheese, palatable and spoon-and-fork licking good ! quite pricey for a mamak food but worth it

Restoran Ani Sup Utara - heck i wish i know this place earlier, i really love this type of dish, feels like home ! For RM 7.50 , you can get a plate of rice added with salted egg, sliced cucumber, sambal and also a bowl of soup. So goooooooood !!!!!

Home

Zaid is into archery now and he's a pro already, went to so many competitions and winning some too !

went out with my bestfriend, Zarifah yesterday ! Initially we planned to go to Pantai Merdeka to have the famous 'cendol ice cream' there, but we're running out of time yesterday so just had dinner at the newly-opened kfc in my hometown, it was really fun to spend time together after so long !

How safiyya is being bullied

Some random shots

post-forum, photo was taken at 7pm hahaha excuse the 'barai' face

Funfair night out !

Library night out with adriana searching for reference books - one of the stressful nights i had there

♥

till next post ♥

Feet dont fail me now

Hello

I'm not gonna apologize for the little hiatus since my last post because there's no words to express the limbo of thoughts that I've been a captive of. Right now, certain things (actually just this one thing) in my personal life isn't going swimmingly well, however I was finally able to pry myself out of bed for something a little more productive today.

I had interview for degree in law two days ago

Alhamdulillah, things going just fine. I have confident that i will be accepted to uitm law school, but yes, Allah plans best. I will just keep on praying. However of course there was a time, especially when i was driving alone, i will think back about life. Like, i was wrong since the beginning. Or to be specific, why did i even choose law. i shouldve be a doctor instead, a pharmacist or anything else. Well its just 1 of 1000 things that ive been thinking about these past few weeks. naahh, lets just sink that in :'))

Things are just, wrong. since the beginning.

***

sincerely, the overthinking anis tasnim <3

Anyway, I had iftar together with syahidah yesterday, technically it was our last meeting before she will getting hitched. There are so many things we had catch up yesterday, we talked about life, future, a little bit of gossiping. She never changed, i mean, us. We still did all the silly things like we used to do. Like yesterday, we drop by at 7E just to take SELFIES and after that pretending to buy mineral waters to cover up our silliness. LOL.

 The separation, was a bit sad, especially when she said 'our next meeting, will be on my wedding day'. it was ... sad

well, adios and salam ramadhan everyone xx !!

brink of death

am i
in the brink of death
fingers clenching
hearts palpitating
legs dangling
mouth stammering
tears rolling
hoping
hoping
someone would pull my hands
from falling
off the cliff
grab my waist
hug me tightly
and telling me
everything
is going
to be fine

am i
dying
walls i build around me
was destroyed
hopes are just fragile
as fathom
at the sea
the warmth of the air
is now suffocating


am i
in the brink of death

(?)

wanderlustin'

wan.der.lust  n.  A very strong desire or irresistible impulse to travel
I made a travel bucket-list about a week ago, and I don't know what's gotten into me right now but I feel like I have this itch to travel somewhere in the near future. And if you're wondering, the number one spot on my list is New York. I have always, always wanted to go to New York. I've been on way too many beach vacays that I've now developed this burning desire to travel to big cities. Okay, maybe the fact that I am a huge fan of Suits & Gossip Girl (both shows based in NY), it may have influenced me on the whole New York thing. But what is there not to love about The Big Apple ?! In the words of Alicia Keys ; concrete jungle where dreams are made of. 'Nuff said. 

A lot of people who know me probably thought that London was my number one destination, but truth is I wanna study in London and live there for a few months at least. But New York, oh man New York, that is my ultimate travel destination. It's a dream I'm not sure will ever come true, but let's just keep praying. I wanna lose myself in the streets of New York, I wanna be a part of the hustle and bustle happening in Times Square, I wanna roam around Central Park aimlessly, I wanna admire the beautiful skyline day and night, I wanna be inspired by the place and the people and the diversity that comes with it. If I could, I'd fly to New York during the autumn (or fall, if that's what you call it) season. Autumnal fashion is my favourite. It's not hot enough that you have to wear less clothes, but it's not cold enough that you have to layer up into a ball of coats. The weather is right in between. Plus, autumn is when all of my favourite colours to wear hit the stores. Blacks, browns, greys, whites, maroons, dark greens, beiges. Especially in ZARA. Just thinking about it is driving me nuts. 
Throughout my whole life, I haven't gone out of the country that much. The farthest I've step foot onto is Turkey when I was about 17. I've been to Singapore a few times, Korea when I was 16 and Bandung, Indonesia when I was 12. That's it. And i've never performed umrah yet, perhaps soon ? ;)
Okay, moving on. Honeymoon-wise (thinking so far ahead here hahaha), I'd like to go to Venice, Rome and Florence in Italy and Santorini in Greece. I also wanna make sure I visit all the Disneylands around the globe + Disney World in FL. Other than that, Belgium for waffles, France to shop and eat pastries all day, Spain, Amsterdam, Florida, Turkey, Dubai, Melbourne & Sydney, Sweden. The list of places I wanna go to is endless ! But yeah, if it's one place I really want to go to the next time I travel, it would definitely be New York. With dreams to travel to incredible places like these, I think it's only fitting that I save up for a new camera now haha. I'm getting a jar for my travel + camera fund the next time I go out $$$

Novaturient

there are a lot of things that i need to fix about myself. I hate myself for being wuss, stupid and gullible. i am easily influenced by many things/people that in the end, i suffered and i get nothing. Its just a simple pleasure that lasted in a short moments that in the end, i regretting this and that, here and there. Whenever i see someone else do the same stupid thing as i am, i became angry but then i realized i did the same thing too, and they are actually the reflections of me. I cannot brain how patient and loving my parents are towards my incessant bad behaviour, countless naggings, advices that they give to me, but i still hadnt changed, i cant believe if i were in their shoes. I want to change, ofcourse i do. But i personally doesnt know what type of person i want to be. Sometimes, i cant find my interests. Im really that random person, im easily influenced by everything that they can affect my personality and everything, my life. I cant find my niche, im just a lone ranger that just mingle with different cliques, i dont have a friend/bestfriend/soulmate that can devote herself in being my only friend and share the same interests, thoughts and all. I really hope i have one. But, 18 years i lived, i never feel the sense of belongings, despite my family that is, but still im the biggest burdened to them that i always have this sense of guilty whenever im with them, especially my parents. Boyfriend? Never had one. I even hate boys *shrugs*. Im going to blame myself until i achieved what i desperately want in me, its a long process that i need to hurdle despite the college stuffs and all :’( i hope im fine with it. Au revoir

insecurities

Its 4.04 am in the morning and im still wide awake, jeezzzz i hate the fact that my eyes were half-opened and my brain isnt working anymore but everytime i close my eyes for like 30minutes forcing to sleep, and then i gave up and opened my eyes and stare at the ceiling. whyyy I STILL CANT SLEEP ???!!!!

then i try to study, i took my lecture notes and my own notes and put em on my bed, plug in earphone and tune in some soft instrumental musics to help calm my mind and put me to sleep, then all of sudden all those ghost stories, gory features loomed on my mind. fck i can feel the goosebumps all over my body. SUDDENLY I FEEL LIKE CHECKING UNDER THE BED, CHECKING THE LOCKER, CHECKING WHATS BEHIND ME, AND, CHECKING WHO'S OUTSIDE.  I instantly whatsapp nurin to tell her i cant sleep so that i feel less panic, then she stupidly asked me why and told me to check the windows. if only she was in front of me at that time i would have slaughtered her. oh yeah she was outside at that time thats why im afraid bcs i was alone in my bedroom. Then i tune in to a few surah from ny quran app to help halau all those satans thought

Ok now its 4.19 am.

So yeah looking back at the title of thia post, insecurities. Im actually at that point when i cant accept myself for who i am. bcs i hv insecurities on people's personality. I cant help myself adoring people with personality that can attract others, i mean, i dont want other people to like me, ofcourse u cant force people to like you. but i dont understand how u can simply put everyone's attention on you, they hear what are u talking, they respond to what u talking, they laugh at your jokes, they look at you with eyes full of inspiration, WHY I CANT BE LIKE THAT??

Sometimes, i try involving myself in my classmates' chat, but end up blaming myself *why i even said that* thoughts bcs they dont find me attractive. I think im just a weird furniture in my class. I've had enough. Haih

I tried, so hard. But i actually end up killing myself emotionally. And im drown in my own ocean of thoughts, and dead inside. 'its fine if someone doesnt like you'- i cant accept the fact that i care so much on people's thought on me. im trying but i stumbled and hurted myself. its so hard.

Sometimes i decided to just stay introvert and be a lone ranger, but it makes me feel more sad !! I hate the fact that i had to walk alone. i hate the fact that i cant talk to someone. i hate everything.

This week is such a disaster for me. Every night i always reflected myself, i look at the mirror, and asking why and why. those sleepless and sombre nights, i hate it that nobody actually cares about me. i knoe im really that complicated.

I also hate the fact that i hv problems with my facial expression. im always with that idgaf face when actually im such a cheerful person and my mind were damn full of awesome and humorous thoughts. im smart, witty, well-organized, wild and bitchy. i guaranteed you would like to be my bestfriend. Sadly no one notice that. And i always kept my inner bitch to myself bcs of my insecurities. its killing me. Its really hurt

Im really a cool kid, seriously. I just dont know why im like this. I think too much. I guess.

4.36 am

I've been out on that open road
You can be my full time daddy,
White and gold
Singing blues has been getting old
You can be my full time baby,
Hot or cold

Don't break me down
I've been travelin' too long
I've been trying too hard
With one pretty song

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

Dying young and I'm playing hard
That's the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk 'til dark
That's the way the road dogs do it – ride 'til dark.

Don't leave me now
Don't say good bye
Don't turn around
Leave me high and dry

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, just ride

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I've got a war in my mind
I just ride, just ride,
I just ride, I just ride


Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people, and finally I did on the open road.
We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives into a work of art.
Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun.
I believe in the country America used to be.
I believe in the person I want to become.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And my motto is the same as ever:
"I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I'm at war with myself I ride, I just ride."
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.

Sighs

Guys, first of all im really sorry bcs i’ve left this blog for quite a long time, especially those who are waiting for the next sequel of my turkey trip, im honestly sorry bcs im currently busy with my daily schedule. Oh yeah, for ur information im now a working lady ! Heheh but not that type of sitting in the conference room during stress corporate meeting while fingers gracefully typing on macbook, wearing posh high heels and nerdy spectacles with mind buzzed with business strategy. Naahhh inshaallah it will happen in 5 years i guess but NOW, im actually working as a clerk (i dont know a specific name for my job, clerk is accepted i guess) at my auntie’s tuition center. Many people thought i work as a teacher, no mann teaching is really not in my blood - erk :/

My job is basically taking students’ attendance eveyday, registering new students, managing tuition’s fee, photostatting stuffs, arranging the class schedule and last one, cleaning the classes. You know, sweeping the floor and arrange the table and chairs and making sure the switches are all turned off. Cliche but it was quite fun, i learned a lot of things during the period.. I teach myself to be responsible of my job, i forced myself to bring out the best of me in everything i did, i did mistakes, a lot but i always find solutions to avoid all the careless mistakes i did. And after all, i learned to always be grateful. The moment when i see some of the parents have to apologize bcs they weren’t able to pay tuition fee on time, my heart ached. Looking at their faces, i know they’ve worked so hard to earn living, to make sure their children can get the best education like the others, even though the parents have to sacrificed a bit. Ya allah, bless my parents :)

Working with auntie doesnt mean you are free to bring laptop during office hour, watching movies while enjoying maggi cup etc. Even though she is my aunt and we’re really close, but i still have to respect her as my boss. So whenever im at work, i didnt bring any gadgets that can distract my attention, bcs i have to be firm with myself. Work is work. And of course, i must give a full commitment so that when i get the salary, the satisfaction is higher and more barakah hihi. That’s why the twitter timeline is chaos when the clock strikes 11 pm. You know what i mean... And also, now, i appreciate being home so much more than i did before hhahaha

Well, i really have no idea on what to blog about even though my turkey stories arent finished yet (i dont think finishing them, let it locks as a beautiful memories in my mind).. Before writing this, i asked syahidah to give some ideas on what to blog about since i missed spilling out my thoughts here, my great escape. So she suggested me to write about her. Hahah and you know describing syahidah..its difficult bcs she’s such a complicated girl but in the other side, she’s my favourite person that im afraid to lose and have taken a special place in my heart, my ture friend and my soulmate. Of course i need to prepare my body and mind before writing about her bcs i dont want to miss any pieces of memories we’ve created together after all this time. Stay tuned babiesss.. And dont worry for those who keep urging me to continue the turkey stories, inshaallah i’ll writing soon whenever i miss them, and recently im pretty sure all of us hv heard the tragic incident in istanbul, my thoughts and prayers goes to those affected in the incident. Istanbul...my favourite city

And also today, im deeply saddened to hear of the passing of my beloved Alan Rickman who played Professor Snape. As a big harry potter fan there was no one better to play Snape. An amazing actor who will be dearly missed. Always. And yas, i will start my harry potter marathon soon in honour of Snape.

So its nearly 2 pm here and my eyes seems so heavy now and i can feel my back ached badly, i better off to sleep. Still working tomorrow, no weekends for this lady okayy pity me :(

Till next post inshaallah, assalamualaikum

Its a pause

Hi assalamualaikum ! *krik krik*

gosh its dusty here. tak sangka lama gila aku tak update blog. sebelum ni sekadar jenguk jenguk jaa. gosh i miss spilling out my thoughts here. last update tahun lepas kot. sebenarnya banyak gila benda yg aku nak share dalam blog ni sejak awal tahun haritu.

first week handle form one students, lepas tu jumpa mamat korea datang sekolah. then, selesaikan konflik dalam bkp, lepas tu struggle untuk up1, lepas tu ada crush kat dia tu lah dia ini lah macam macam, lepas tu aku minat gila kat harry potter, aku habis khatam 3 buku first dia dalam masa seminggu ja sebab addicted sangat. and i miss reading harry potter at 3 am tsk tsk. lepas tu struggle untuk mid year term exam and result aku hancur lebur jatuh gaung ditimpa gunung everest memang teruk ahh result, so lepas ni memang kena pushh gila gila punya untuk trial. lepas exam mid year terus busy dengan hari sukan, preparation untuk hari guru and lastly ada kem kokurikulum and perkampungan ilmu in one week ! ya Allah i will miss this memoriess T.T tak boleh bayang macam mana nak tinggalkan sekolah nanti sebab aku rasa macam sayang sangat dekat semua orang.

lepas ni anis, tak boleh main main dahhh. trial spm kot, trial ni laa yg akan menentukan hg boleh pi london ka dak. so kepada readers yg mungkin sedang membaca ni, maafkan segala kesilapan saya sekiranya ada and doakan saya tau. rasanya sampai sini ja kot dulu. lepas spm aku update banyak banyak. sayang blog ni sangat sangat hiks

okeh duty call, tata !

p/s - my birthday is on trial spm what a great life

2014 - The tears and joy

Alhamdulillah, today is 1.1.2015. Time flies so fast until I can’t remember what had happened in a half of the year. I feel like I’m still a form 4 student, with loads of homeworks, the immatured girl. that’s me. ya Allah, I still can’t believe its already 2015. I don’t have any wishes for this new year YET, so I
think I wanna jot it down before I summarize the good and bad, tears and joy of 2014 

1. I want to work hard, really really hard (in a smart way) for my spm
2. I don’t want to disappointed my parents anymore
3. Less social networks
4. no more sleeping, dreaming in the class
5. no more complaining about my life

Honestly said, that’s all I want for 2015. since it will be my final year as a school student, a senior year and I will seat for the MOST IMPORTANT EXAM in the whole life, shopping and movies are the things that I have to sacrificed for a moment. this is all because the spm.


so for 2014, it was indeed a very very tough year for me, and Malaysia. recently, a very very heart-wrenching things had happened, the tremendous flood , the airplane crash qz8501 that was also related to Malaysia and yeah, the another two airplane tragedies, mh17 and mh370. may Allah bless all of us


while for me, yes I admit 2014 was a very, really tough year for me. such an eye-opening when I flashback the precious moments. there was times I cried a lot, A LOT and there was time I smile a lot. you know the feeling when you’re betrayed. in 2014 also, Im easily fall in love, for real. it is embarrassing when Im saying this but this is the truth and I hope I can learn from my mistake. well, I never have any boyfriend, but I have a loads of crush. im easily fall in love with hot guys in the movies and vines and blablablaa. 2014 was also the year when my insecurity level turn on many times bcs I’ve never thought there are thousands prettier girls out there beside me, euw


2014 was also a year that I learned a lot about friendship. manisnya ukhuwah kalau dihayati kan. I cried a lot when  most of my bestfriends a.k.a true friends were transferred to the other school.  they are the the only human who can understand me, sometimes my parents also dont get me but they do. they always do. I feel like it was the end of the world (ok this is exaggeration), I feel like im the weakest, so most of the time I walked alone at school. at home, I cried a lot. I really miss them T.T but Alhamdulillah we’re still keep in touch until now. social networks connect us, thank you twitter, instagram, wechat, whatsapp and, blog 


2014 was also a year that one of my childhood dreams comes true. I have always wanted to touch a snow, shooting snowball, building snowman and cuddling in the snow. Alhamdulillah I’d went to korea recently and it was indeed a very very very very very joyful trip ! all my childhood dreams come true ! i learned a lot about korea and until now I still feel that korea is very close to my heart. I wanted to go there again and again. It was still unbelievable, I watched a lot of Korean dramas, and hundreds episodes of running man,  bigbang, mama award, roommate and the other Korean shows , and now im in korea. you now how it feels aite, cant describe with words. I still looking forward to meet all the Korean stars, who had give a big impact in my life, kim woo bin because he is mashaAllah an effortlessly drop dead handsome guy I’ve ever seen in my life, park shin hye because I watched a lot of Korean dramas she’s starring such as miracle in cell number 7, the heirs and recently, Pinocchio. next I really want to meet BIGBANG, I want to meet gd, taeyang, TOP, seungri and daesung. I’d memorized all their songs, watched almost all their videos on youtube and all. I also wanted to meet with all the stars from running man especially jae suk and kwang soo and haha.


what a impossible wishes I have -,-‘

but inshaallah I hope it will comes true


I think, I’d summarize all the incredible things I had faced in 2014, I don’t remember all of them, but I hope the memories will always stick to my heart and my mind. but at the  top of all that, I still need to focus on my spm. may allah ease everything, past is past right, I did a lot / uncountable mistakes and sins, and I learned. you lose and win, that’s life. whatever it is, I learned. hopefully 2015 will be a better year for me, a new me, new life, new hope, new dream  happy new year everyone.