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23 November 2016

Novaturient


there are a lot of things that i need to fix about myself. I hate myself for being wuss, stupid and gullible. i am easily influenced by many things/people that in the end, i suffered and i get nothing. Its just a simple pleasure that lasted in a short moments that in the end, i regretting this and that, here and there. Whenever i see someone else do the same stupid thing as i am, i became angry but then i realized i did the same thing too, and they are actually the reflections of me. I cannot brain how patient and loving my parents are towards my incessant bad behaviour, countless naggings, advices that they give to me, but i still hadnt changed, i cant believe if i were in their shoes. I want to change, ofcourse i do. But i personally doesnt know what type of person i want to be. Sometimes, i cant find my interests. Im really that random person, im easily influenced by everything that they can affect my personality and everything, my life. I cant find my niche, im just a lone ranger that just mingle with different cliques, i dont have a friend/bestfriend/soulmate that can devote herself in being my only friend and share the same interests, thoughts and all. I really hope i have one. But, 18 years i lived, i never feel the sense of belongings, despite my family that is, but still im the biggest burdened to them that i always have this sense of guilty whenever im with them, especially my parents. Boyfriend? Never had one. I even hate boys *shrugs*. Im going to blame myself until i achieved what i desperately want in me, its a long process that i need to hurdle despite the college stuffs and all :’( i hope im fine with it. Au revoir

1 comment:

Syazwani Khirizan said...

Anisss I also feel the same thing but danggg you're so good at expressing it. I keep the all feelings inside me and it becomes so complicated to explain but you untangled them in this post so nicely! I thought you like writing? I thought that's your niche cause I'm honestly attracted and impressed every time I read your piece. At least you have one Anis, while I don't have any niche which makes me feel super useless every time this thought came across my mind. I'm trying to change myself also cause I've been feeling super insecure these days and I'm so tired of it, it's suffocating. I'm too self conscious now and how I wish I can be carefree like before. It's a tough battle, which I hope I can win in the end :((