Novaturient

there are a lot of things that i need to fix about myself. I hate myself for being wuss, stupid and gullible. i am easily influenced by many things/people that in the end, i suffered and i get nothing. Its just a simple pleasure that lasted in a short moments that in the end, i regretting this and that, here and there. Whenever i see someone else do the same stupid thing as i am, i became angry but then i realized i did the same thing too, and they are actually the reflections of me. I cannot brain how patient and loving my parents are towards my incessant bad behaviour, countless naggings, advices that they give to me, but i still hadnt changed, i cant believe if i were in their shoes. I want to change, ofcourse i do. But i personally doesnt know what type of person i want to be. Sometimes, i cant find my interests. Im really that random person, im easily influenced by everything that they can affect my personality and everything, my life. I cant find my niche, im just a lone ranger that just mingle with different cliques, i dont have a friend/bestfriend/soulmate that can devote herself in being my only friend and share the same interests, thoughts and all. I really hope i have one. But, 18 years i lived, i never feel the sense of belongings, despite my family that is, but still im the biggest burdened to them that i always have this sense of guilty whenever im with them, especially my parents. Boyfriend? Never had one. I even hate boys *shrugs*. Im going to blame myself until i achieved what i desperately want in me, its a long process that i need to hurdle despite the college stuffs and all :’( i hope im fine with it. Au revoir