Boulevard of broken dreams

Life has been quite hard on me recently. There are several mental breakdowns and ups i had in less than 10 weeks in my semester 2 here in shah alam. there are days i regret choosing this path, there are days im grateful for such an amazing life i had. theres also in between - a grey, blurry, in denial days

                                                                         

telling myself that 'all is fine, take it easy, you can do this' as those has been my life principle ever since my teen days, sometimes is just a mantra that has been echoing in my mind but my body seems doesnt reflect to it. im tired, my face frown 24/7, i isolate myself from crowd, skip meals, born to be a lone ranger. sometimes it surprised me how strong i actually was, looking back at the days when i have to wake up early and spend 5-7 mins walking alone to bus stop, wait for the bus, walk to class, clueless, juggling between moot, studies and assignments piling up, not to mention financial problem until i have to skip meals even though im in extreme hunger, yada yada. plus those days when i only have 10 ringgit left to survive for a week, and days when it takes a lot of guts to ask for money from my parents, yet at the same time im still become a huge disappointment to everyone. lifeless, me

its exhausting to think of those, im usually kind of person who always positive, i live for happy thoughts, but its tiring to live in that dimension anymore because in real life, i'd been beaten to death with so many never-ending shits i had to go through, it simply doesnt work that way. we ignore the truth for a temporary happiness.

its easy to feel disappointed and sad about all poop life chucks at you but its better to remember your mom's pajeri terung, rm1 green tea aiskrim malaysia from dc's mart, choc's indulgence, safiya's daily rambles, amir's warm voice, and Burger King's Tendergrill that life hands to you

i went home for 5 days (including 6 hours classes had been skipped with no regrets) last week, had the best time of my life with all familiar faces who loves me eternally :)

bloom // troye sivan

                                                              

photos credit : weheartit

Updated life in a nutshell

I cant believe its already 26^th, but to be honest I do feel like this month is the longest month I’d ever lived in my entire life. When you wake up tomorrow, its still 27^th january, when in fact you already feel like its 64^th. Sigh..but deep down, im grateful that january doesnt end yet, digesting the fact that we are already in 2018 is something so incredulous to me. i feel like 2017 just went by like a piece of rag being carried away by strong wind and lost in the air. It feels like my grip to something that im holding on to is slowly loosing and I kept on regretting that. I still remember the night of the new year, when everyone else went celebrating it outside, I was in my room at the college, so-called studying, but I made myself a cup of hot chocolate drinks while watching fireworks virtually on everyone’s instastory. Boring but somehow I didn’t regret staying in my room, because at least all my friends and my roomates were there with me. When the clock strikes 12, ‘happy new year anis’ they said. I wish them the same thing too, and then we had some banters before we hit the sack respectively. What a sedentary lifestyle I had

I really miss writing to be honest, I miss spilling out my thoughts even though theyre not something significant that you can ponder all day long. But that just what I love to do, started writing without having a direction, it really feels like a great escape. However if this is an english essay, I probably scored only 4/10. 4 for effort for writing many paragraphs and exceeding minimum word counts and also for the ink I’d wasted. Sometimes I do thought about writing something meaningful, so that people can gain something when theyre done reading my posts. But that requires me to gather all my thoughts and be able to finally type it out, and also overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. However, 1. I don’t have readers 2. gathering my thoughts will take usually a year minimum, plus theyre rubbish. Not a cool idea. So im going to just rant about my life, the end

Early this year, I just finished with my final exam, I choose to skip that because that was such a terrible kickstart of 2018. I had several mental breakdowns in between the paper gaps, and all I wish was for the exam to end faster and go home. Believe it or not, the last time I was home was back in october, evidence is in my latest post which was written back in october when I was having my one week mid-sem break at home. Moving on, lately ive been forced to deal with the realities of the world and IM TERRIFIED. Next sem I will be living outside, cause no more college will be provided. Well, they do but its going to be so tough and the chances to get college for next sem is really 0.01 % especially when you less involved in college activities to claim for college coupons. Living outside of the campus really give me the feeling of uneasiness. I just had a lot of things in my mind. My life has been in a constant turmoil ever since. Meeting house agents, constant talk of $$$$$$, finding significance in my life both now and in the future, the anxiety I feel towards the inevitable unknown that is the dim of light is not as scary as it used to be. Believe me, writing about this alone is really making me feel discomfort. Did I mentioned about me only having one week break when it supposed to be a month of sem break ? yeah im currently reading a scholarly journal on fair and equittable treatment under international investment law, a very Greek article to me. But I have no choice, for the sake of namco which will be held by the end of march this year, a lot of things I had to sacrifice, and yet being fully committed to this.

Now lets hop into some less-stress inducing matter. Here im going to share some photos from happier days.

despite having stress over chapters i had to covered for final exam, at least im grateful that my study table at college which used to be so messy now looking wide and 'less-chaos'. i remember spent the whole morning de-cluttering my stuff and i just enjoyed the productive morning so much

Stranger Things // How to Get Away with Murder

this two series are one of things that went on during my disappearance from this blog

Both Stranger Things and How To Get Away with Murder, omg why didn't I start sooner. I watched Stranger Things bcs i dont want to miss the bandwagon since this series had become the talk of the town, and true, i finished both season 1 and 2 in just 3 days perhaps? i love the whole squad so much ! For HTGAWM,  I love this show but I'm still in the first season. They're at season 4 or 5 now. But anyway, I was hooked since the first episode. It's basically about these law students who are in a Criminal Law class, and they basically deal with real murder cases in court. But with a twist. Just watch the first episode and you'll get what I mean. It's really good and you don't really know what's actually going on unless you keep watching. You figure it out as the series progresses and I love it.

GOOD FOOD

Kedai Makan Fei dan Ali - please try the salted tempura rice ! highly recommended

 

Coboroy - i love the shell out concept, chilli chicken rice also good ! 

even take away the chilli chicken, cause it tastes so good ! request for more chilli flakes if you want extra spicy

Gula Cakery -  i cant remember the name on the menu of the spagetti carbonara, but i think it has 'mac and cheese' something in the name. it tastes really good ! the sauce is so creamy, everything on the plate is perfect ! the mango cake was also not a disappointment. This place is famous for their dessert, so for those who have guilty pleasure for desserts, put this place on your bucket list !

Shiffa's greatest escape, EHSAN !!! the concept is like a high-class 'mamak' cause they served mamak food, i love the naan cheese, palatable and spoon-and-fork licking good ! quite pricey for a mamak food but worth it

Restoran Ani Sup Utara - heck i wish i know this place earlier, i really love this type of dish, feels like home ! For RM 7.50 , you can get a plate of rice added with salted egg, sliced cucumber, sambal and also a bowl of soup. So goooooooood !!!!!

Home

Zaid is into archery now and he's a pro already, went to so many competitions and winning some too !

went out with my bestfriend, Zarifah yesterday ! Initially we planned to go to Pantai Merdeka to have the famous 'cendol ice cream' there, but we're running out of time yesterday so just had dinner at the newly-opened kfc in my hometown, it was really fun to spend time together after so long !

How safiyya is being bullied

Some random shots

post-forum, photo was taken at 7pm hahaha excuse the 'barai' face

Funfair night out !

Library night out with adriana searching for reference books - one of the stressful nights i had there

♥

till next post ♥

The Miss-Forgetful + Miss-Grateful

Before I hit the sack, I just want to pen down everything that have been happening this past week. Im currently having my sem break, and its always good to be home. So many things happened, good and bad.

First, we got 2^nd place for Inter-part Mooting Competition. It was indeed remarkable, it never crossed our mind to go to semi final, which only top 4 teams were chosen based on our marks. Second, it was in our wildest dream to actually made it to final, and alhamdulillah we actually made it to final !!! and placed as runner up was beyond amazing. The bond between my teammates and the coaches now are tighten, we are now a one big family. Im going to miss every single thing that we did for past three weeks, sad beautiful tragic I must say. But now, it took me forever to digest the fact that we won this competition, it was amazing and I hope this will embark my spirit more in my mooting journey. I really want to do something remarkable and significance in my life, and I hope with mooting, which I had set a place in my heart helps me to go through it inshaallah

Next, it still fresh in my mind how shitty I felt on the night after the first day of interpart, I ACTUALLY LEFT MY KEYS INSIDE MY ROOM, AND NO ONE WAS IN THERE CAUSE ALL MY ROOMATES WERE IN THEIR HOMETOWN ALREADY. I was in all merry, lighthearted mood while walking to my room when suddenly while standing in front of the door, scouting for the keys inside my bag, I remember not bringing any keys with me while going out that morning. I pinch the door knob countless times with high hopes that the door will magically opened, but to no avail. I smashed it, pinch, smashed, pinch, and then .. tired and scared..I literally sit against the door, cover my face and started crying. I took out my phone, inform my teammates that I cant enter my room, I made a voice note and all of them actually can detect my shaky voice. I just cant hide it anymore, leaving a key behind is definitely a too much for me. Plus, we had semi final on the next day, and I must not become the one who will drag the team down tomorrow, I must help aina my teammate who we had agreed on to submit on the next day by doing some bit research. I must focus, I must not distracted ! I try to be compose myself, be in my character, I started thinking for solutions. I called my floor wing capten, but was greeted by the phone operator voice. I try again and again but hm. Grshhhh why you must not pick up the phone at this dire moment ?!!! kalau dalam group whatsapp laju pulak !!!!!!!!!

Adriana and shiffa came help. I love you girls so much, adriana, stupidly trying to smash the door with her body, YOURE GOING TO INJURED YOURSELF BABY PLUS THATS NOT HELPING AT ALL !!! and shiffa already in her pyjama and piece of clothe (?) covering her head went down to the guard post to inform regarding the incident. And luckily the guard gave her the number of srk (not shah rukh khan, just warden) who was on duty on that night. Im very thankful en zahirudin was such a nice person, he said the only option left was kopak the pintu, but nothing can be done on that night cause its too late already. But the warmth of his voice and his comforting words really calm me down a bit, and I started to feel better. I decided to sleep in shiffa’s room on that night, try to forget for a moment on what had happened, showered, pray and went down to bilik bacaan to help aina. I was a bit carefree at the moment cause im not the one who will submit for semi final, but the least I can do was helping aina out as much as I can. It was almost 11.30 and both of us decided to go to sleep, it was a super long day and we have to get a quality sleep for semi final, and probably final perhaps :) so we packed, wish each other goodnight and walked to our room respectively.

It was 12.30 am something when someone knocked on the door and luckily shiffa opened it, my vision was blurry, but I believe it was aina asking me to check my phone, then she walked away. Sleepy, I checked my phone, 4 misscalls, from my coach, it was nami. Gulp

THEY WANT ME TO SUBMIT FOR SEMI FINAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im lost for words. I told nami what had actually happened, and how tired and shitty and distracted I felt at the moment. But again, another warmth voice, comforting voice echoed in my ears on the breezy morning, he told me to fuck everything else, both he and abs hv high faith in me even when I doubt myself. I nod, then I agreed to it. I set my alarm to 4am, losing myself in my own train of thoughts, and finally asleep

And again I thank Allah for all the blessings, won semi final round, made it to final, winning 2^nd placed. And thats the end of it :) about my keys, alhamdulillah on that night they sent me the technician, he kopak the door and gave me a replacement key. I packed my stuff, with music blasting, took a shower, and carrying all my stuff to Una’s room cause im sleeping there. 4.30 am, requested an uber ride, off to kl sentral. My ets scheduled on approxximately 7am.

So yeah, I went home bringing my winning trophy, proudly shoved it in front of my mom and safiya as soon as I entered the car. Day by day, everything was good and normal, except on Thursday when I went to bank rakyat to claim my debit card, and later that night I realize my IC wasn’t there in my wallet. I panicked. Shit happening again ofcourse I freaked out. Why I tend to misplaced everything?? why I am so clumsy and careless ?? why I always burdening myself and most importantly, other people? Shit happens, I know, but when it hapenned frequently, I almost couldn’t forgive myself. In the end, yea I actually left it at the counter at bank rakyat, luckily the staff kept it for me. Phewh.

***

29/10/2017  7.11 pm

So.. hello back, again I want to pen down one of the most incredible thing that had happened to me recently. Oh anyway, I have MLS and Consti test tomorrow, and guess what, im studying the wrong lecture slides, no wonder they looks too simple. Dammit

Ok whatever, before I shove my head into the books, I want to remember yesterday. I went to moot audition. Its an audition to become a mooter, and soon will be competing in Namco/Vis competition according to your ranks. I went to the audition, even though I doubt myself. Ive been contemplating whether I should go or not, bcs my greatest concern is of course - time management. Im afraid I will neglect my studies, which should be my priorities. But I went it anyway cause I want to give my best shot. I had prepared everything few day before, I helped one of my friend who slightly had no experience in mooting almost every night, I went to practice submit in front of other coach, I try to record myself submitting and gradually improve from it. I practised answering questions that had been asked by my coaches before during training. I thought they were all not suffice cause I myself were not in a serious mood, im just doing it for the sake of not want to look dumb in front of the judges during audition later on.

So, a lot of people came to the audition, I myself as usual, feel intimidated by everyone. I almost packed my things to go home cause I swear im gonna jinx myself again in the audition room. My turn was 11, and they were all 35 people in the room so I finish pretty early. During the audition, I think I was pretty good, I answer their questions quite well, my voice projection were good, and it seems like they impressed with me. I swear I wasn’t expecting that, why it never happen to me while I submit during 1^st round and semi final during interpart where there were many eyes on me ??? hahah kidding. So after my turn was over, we stayed in the waiting room for a while, and then we decided to go have breakfast+lunch+dinner (yes I hadnt eat all day) outside. That was when, my head started spinning and aching like hell. I feel like vomitting at the moment. I only had two suap nasi ayam lemon, finished my syrup lemon and instantly went back to faculty. We took Grab on the way there, and my friends forced me to just go back to college to rest, cause it seems like my headache was worsening, which it really was. While they went straight to the faculty for the announcement of the result.

I personally don’t really mind what my rank was, bcs I knew I had already gave my best. Went into my room, change clothes, took shower and go straight to sleep, I can actually feel my body temperature increasing and I started breathing fast. It was so cold. I intend to sleep for two hours, wake up next to check my phone for any updates. But jeez, I only slept for one hour when i realized it was shiffa in front of my room talking to my roomate, then the door closed and she went away. My sight were vague, and im too weak to call her back. So I reached for my phone, in case the results were already out

I SWEAR IM LOST FOR WORDS. IM BEYOND HAPPY AND EVERYONE WAS SHOCKED AND CONGRATULATE ME AND PROUD OF ME. IT WAS A GREAT FEELING. LIKE..WOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING WAS PAID OFF, THE STRUGGLE MAY LOOK SIMPLE AND NOTHING BUT THEY ACTUALLY WORTH IT. MY COACHES TOO WERE DAMN PROUD OF ME, NOBODY THOUGHT I COULD HOLD 2^nd PLACE OVERALL, ME MYSELF TOO.

It was a great, amazing day. And oh yeah, please pray for my health, it seems worsening these days plus I have two test tomorrow and I must kill those two. Thanks for reading !

moot moot

Phew, it took quite some time for me to summon all my mental capacity and overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. It was really hard to be zoned out, put aside the piles of assignments and mooting stuff and pending meetings, I am glad that im finally a bit carefree at this moment, I'm currently perched on a seat, cancelling out the noise in this computer section in library with Kuizz's Silences ft Haneri.. It has been so long since the last time I properly pen down my thoughts here, my greatest escape from reality! 

Really, my life has been such whirlwind since the weekend escapade I had with diana and syahidah, when, out of nowhere came to meet me here in shah alam. It was a great meet-ups even though just for a couple of hours, but it was suffice enough to cure my homesick, at least theyre like the closest to..my ’home’. Oh and also want to remember the kl trip I had with shiffa to kl previously on Friday (guys it had been two weeks), it was really really fun even though it was tiring cause we walked a lot around the city, but shiffa who has breadth of knowledge regarding public transport had showed me on how to use them, bought tokens at the tokens machine, ride mrt (highlight of the trip !), go to different stations and the feelings when u walked out of the stations and the view of different skyline looming ahead, exciting ! the best part about it is im experiencing so many firsts with my bestfriend, my first time eating Kyochon, my first time riding Mrt, my first time visiting Duck store which I have always wanted to visit, my first time wandering aimlessly around the city, just us and the world, commitments-free

Kuala Lumpur

Shah Alam

                                                                                                                                                   ♥

Well, the carefree-ness does not last long, so couple of days before I have been thinking of joining Interpart Mooting Competition which was held by the law faculty. I think it was a great platform for me to delve more in the world of legal practices, even though im still in my first semester. But the exposure is crucial right, so that when you know a lot of things in the course you’re taking, the knowledge you have will carve the path for you to achieve your goals and your dreams. It will become the catalyst, driving force for you to pursue it, so I think I want to give myself a chance to be out of my comfort zone, it has been so long since the last time I involve in a competition, the trepidation, the anxiety, I feel like im ready for it. Plus, it’s a team competition, so one team will be competing another team, which I think was cool cause at least i have to share the burdened with the others hahaha

But guys, I was wrong. I was wrong from the beginning, from the time I have thought about this competiton, from the time I first set my foot here, from the time I accepted the law degree offer, from the time I was borne, I was COMPLETELY wrong. It has been almost two weeks, and it was a one of the hellish ride I have ever experienced in my life. I woke up everyday with anxiety thinking about my submissions still lacking, the moment when your coaches gives homework during the training and demand them on the same day, spent the whole night doing research and walked to college from the faculty at subuh, skipping meals, lost count how many times I cried thinking how dumb and lacking I was compared to the other teammates, the trepidation u felt in every training sessions cause u don’t want to upset the coaches cause u didn’t prepared well for it, spent hours in front of the screen scouting for cases and authorities to support my grounds, no more quality sleep even though my body was tired but end up sleeps two hours later, arduous training, mentally drained, socially deprived, it was goddamn the greatest plot-twist in my life so far. I wish I can penned down in detailed on the things I had experienced in my mooting journey, but I am so bad at it,  I hope it remains as one of the ‘sweetest’ memories I had here in my mind, hope so. and all in all, i am so proud of myself to do crazy things that i dont think i will be able to do before 

But on the good side, I feel like my teams and I have a good chemistry, well of course because we were classmates during asasi, but the bond just have tighten more. We were so closed especially the girls, very supportive towards each other, and always have backs on each other, including the coaches, Nami and Abs ! Nami was great, very kind and generous, he always bought us supper especially when we finished training at midnight, usually at 2am, and offer rides to our college cause its very far from the faculty. Abs, don’t mess with this girl. She’s a genius, very committed and I cant even imagine her ‘resting-bitch face’ she gave everytime during submissions, total nightmare. the moment she bombard you with questions during your submissions, that is when you started questioning your life. But I love her, she have myriad personalities which I really adore, she really committed, willing to abandon her free time to have training sessions with us even though we all know she was busy preparing for Boston, she always tired but we are her priorities, she spilled so much knowledge which were all helpful in improving our skills yada yada, she care for each and one of us, she’s like a loving sister to us, her advices and hugs were so comforting, really. Thank you didn’t suffice. Everytime I feel like giving up, I always think of them and their sacrifices and their faith in us, they have devoted and sacrifices a lot of things, and the least I can do is make them proud by winning this competition !

I think that is all for now, I wish I can spill more but I have another things to do so, thanks for reading, au revoir !

half malay half zombie

hello

finally im having the time to sit down (my MLS class was cancelled thank god) and am peacefully able to write in here again. syukur :') i am using the library's computer room now cause the internet connection here is better :') syukur again

this will be a very short one, im planning to start writing since the day of my arrival, but unable to do so due to so many things came up and need to be settled. it was so difficult to actually find my solitude here prolly because im always surrounded by people (read : kimi saikou clan). my first week here was smooth-sailing, albeit filled with sense of trepidation at the many assignments to come. my classmates are nice also, the lecturers are all okay so far. on the good side, im utterly grateful that all my classes start at 10 instead of the usual 8 back in asasi, which is good cause i actually can prepare myself for classes on that day better

on the other hand, i have to be honest, this place is totally an opposite to uitm dengkil. i grimaced once i entered the hostel booths for college registration, the surrounded buildings are so old, and gory.  i know back in dengkil we were spoiled so good with new buildings, good food, comfy rooms. i dont know if im going to like it, but hmph..as if i hv another options. my roomates, are alhamdulillah fine, as long as they pray 5 times a day, recite quran and .. hygienic, im okay. and dont get me started with the toilet

The past few days have been chaotic and tiring, I don't know if I'm the one who feels tired almost all the time or we all do. I'm just counting the days to the next public holiday so I could take a break. The thing is, I loathe weekdays so much I wish they don't exist. Lol kidding, of course they are fine. It's just that I have so many things to do on weekdays that makes me hate them. Sigh, I can be such an ungrateful homosapien at times. Sorry, I don't mean it. I am just tired.

so highlight of last week were.. okay i will start with tuesday, yeah it was insanely crazy and full of anxiousness + intimidation. to be honest, i think my nightmare came true, i totally jinxed myself on my first day (technically), since there was nothing we did on monday except for student registration and lunch and..went back to the hostel. so, TUESDAY, it was our first day to enter classes, met new classmates and lecturers and new environment. i remember the morning, me and shiffa went to HEA, bcs i need to check my Third Languange class, i dont know which class i had applied cause there was a problem with the system at the time im applying. i really hope it was Mandarin. so to be safe, i need to confirm it with the staff there, i need them to check it for me. end up, the staff was raising her voice at me which, oh fuck reminiscing it makes me want to puke, she was so rude and has no manner at all. there was a misunderstanding, she clearly confused with my question &  just humiliated me in front of other students who also queued at that time, i wish to disappeared into thin air at that time. but all in all, at least i know i actually in Arabic class, fine, i took it up anyway (as if i have other better options like arguing with her clearly on-her-period self)

wednesday, there were no class cause we have to attend a taklimat regarding the faculty, cocurriculum clubs (met cute seniors) yada yada, im grateful i was with my friends from asasi, we literally laugh snorts and tears throughout the whole day, i dont know how we find everything funny, but im thankful at least i can forget the HEA nightmare the day before. oh i forgot to mentioned, this university is really..big. i mean the place. there was no walking distance if u want to go to faculty or mosque or even..the bus stop. everything is so far from my hostel, even if u walk u will end up find a place to actually sit down and sip half of the mineral water bottle to quench the thirst and calm down. plus, the traffic condition here were bad, many cars and busses.  the roads were hilly, and u need to take the bus to go...almost everywhere. and there were so many times my friends and i were actually chose walking over riding a bus to the college, to the library, be it under the merciless scorching hot sun or wet rainy days. then you know the reason of why i usually go offline past 11, i always get quality sleep these days

wet and cold :(

i barely remember on what happened on thursday and friday, but i think theyre fine. hahahah. on weekends our schedule were also packed, on saturday we had a curriculum talk, but it was until 12 only. on sunday we had Moot workshop (i know right, my seniors were so flash) which lasted the whole day. it was a looooooooooooonnnnggggggg week right?

accurate

ending this post, i need u guys to pray for my studies and my well-being here, i hope everything runs smoothly throughout the whole semester. im still having trouble adjusting myself to the new environment, i know i will faced a big problem if i still cant adapt to all these firsts, but yeah i hope everything went well as i planned. and also, im really sorry, my writing has becoming so rusty, it's been a while since the last time i read a book (aside law books ofcourse).

and, i .. really really miss my little sister, safiya

miss waking up to this :(

ok now im going to take a nap cs im so freaking tired and sleepy. au revoir !