'Tasnim'

Alfatihah, Tok Mariah . This morning, i received a whatsapp from my dad that my grandma, Tok Mariah had passed away. I was speechless. and i cried so hard, really really hard at 1.20 am. Morning the day before, i was already being informed by my mom about my tok's condition, that she was in critical condition already. And by the time I called my mom, she was in a complete rush driving to the hospital. It was an emergency case. And she asked me to pray a lot, and recite yasin. sounds like we're preparing for that 'moment'. Then i whatsapped my dad, and he told me that my grandma was fine.

The whole day (yesterday) i spent in the library from zuhur until 6.30 pm studying. I left my phone in my room, to avoid distraction (for sure) and also, i didnt want to receive 'that news' regarding my grandma. I was praying so hard that she will get speedy recovery, and she can go home healthily, and i get to see her soon during sem breaks.

That evening i called my mom, she picked up the phone with coarse, shaky voice. I knew something was not right. My mom said she was a lil bit 'busy', i pretend to understand her situation and hung up. That evening, i was actually damn sleepy. Bcs i had spent hours studying and my body was in restless state. I waited until maghrib, perform maghrib prayers, recite alquran. Then i decided to sleep after isya'. i checked my phone. No call nor messages from my parent/family about my grandma's condition. I also decided to not call em and still, i pray a lot. 

Done with isya' prayers, off to sleep.

*notifications ringtone* // *quickly grab my phone*

'maktok dah tenat, tolong baca alfatihah dan yasin banyak2'  - mom

Ya allah. I instantly get up from my bed, took wudhu and recite a few surah. I prayed so hard that my grandma will be fine. Clock strikes 10 pm, i shouldve sleep at that time bcs i need to wake up at 2am to study another subject.

- 

*bam*

My posters that i placed on the 'kepala katil' hit my face really hard. I instantly woke up. It's 1.20 am. The curtain swayed along with the strong wind. My bedroom was so cold, like 10 degrees colder than usual night temperature. The wind was so strong, the rain started pouring heavily. Everything on my 'kepala katil' (poster, clock and lotion) started to fall off and hit my face. Hesh.

'fine, im wide awake now'

I checked my phone. A whatsapp from my dad. 'Tok Mariah telah kembali ke rahmatullah jam 1.10 am'.

***

I love her so so much. She had been taking care of me since i was born. I spent most of my childhood time with her. I used to sleepover with my cousins at her house a lot, and we had carved so many beautiful memories together. Those days when she woke us up for Subuh prayers, even though at that time most of us were just aged 8-10 yrs. She prepared the most delicious breakfast for us, nasi goreng with the most succulent, mouth-watering scrambled eggs i ever had in my lifetime. Then we will follow her to grocery shop not far from her home, she will usually bought groceries to cook for that day, veges, potatoes, onions etc. And also, being a loving grandmother as she was, she will bought ice cream for us after we pretend to stare at varieties of icecream in the icecream tub. She bought the most famous icecream at that time, aiskrim kacang which i believe hard to get nowadays. 

Then my cousins and i will help carry the groceries bag for her, one hand carrying while the other hand holding the icecream. We walked home while enjoying the beautiful scenery of the sawah padi in the morning. My grandma didnt talked much, but when she's started talking, she give advice, she compliments, she shared stories. She NEVER scold us, her grandchildren.

That was the most beautiful piece of memories i  remember about her, during my childhood years. 

Growing up, i rarely visit her. Honestly said, im easily getting bored whenever we visited her. My house is the nearest to her, and we always pay a visit. So i wasnt really appreciating. I blamed myself for that. After 2 hours staying, i usually begging my mom to quickly go home. But honestly i wasnt that rude, during the visit ofcourse i had chats with her, helped her in the kitchen, like goreng cucur udang for hi tea sesh with my family. During ramadan, we always had berbuka time together,  performed maghrib prayers and spent time watching tv together while waiting for isya' and terawih. We will usually go home before isya', bcs my grandma always had terawih in masjid, and same goes to my dad. Before we go home, she always asked me,

'Tasnim bila nak tidoq rumah tok lagi?'

The only family member who call me Tasnim. 

Im sorry tok, i wasnt there. I didnt hv the chance to say thank you. I wish i had. Thank you for taking a good care of me, for raising me up, for everything i wish i can list every single thing here. You mean a lot to me, and i wasnt there during your last breath. I believe youre in a better place now.

Alfatihah, tok